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twenty eighteen, a year gone by

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2018, the year that got me good. The year that took me by surprise and taught me so much.

It has been a while since I came on here and vented what I was learning and trying to help others to understand. My blog has always been the place for me to thoughtfully vent the things circulating in my mind. The thing was, all those things circulating could not come to a stop. I was constantly thinking and struggling with things that I came upon. I couldn't come to a place of feeling settled, because everything was constantly changing.

2018 has been the year that not having my mom finally hit me. Every holiday came and went with moment of sadness and crying. So many things in my life were changing and she was not there to guide me along. While I had some amazing people alongside me to help, it just wasn't the same. I had no idea where I was going or wanted to go for that matter. I was learning so much, but not finding peace amongst the struggle.

The thing that really got me was the fac…

meaning

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Such a small thing can bring so much meaning to someones life.

Coming from someone who's love language is gifts (Yes. Here I am. Openly admitting it.) Every single gift I get, big or small, has some sort of memory or meaning attached to it. Gifts might not even be your love language, and this could be something you relate to. For example, I have a necklace that is a circle with a cross in the middle that says "faith". Seems simple, possibly connecting me to my faith. Nope, it holds way more meaning than that. As I have openly discussed on my blog, my mom passed away my freshman year of college. Two Christmases before that, she got me this necklace. Every single time I wear that necklace, I think of her. I once thought I lost it (long story short, it was at my second home in North Carolina) and my heart hurt a little. I have other necklaces that do the same thing. I can name about three of them that connect me to my sister and I love that. On any given day, I can wear on…

home isn't a place, it's a person

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Growing up, home was always the place I came to at the end of the day, my house. For the first 18 years of my life, my house was my home. When I was away, I wanted to go home. At the end of a long school day, I wanted nothing more than to be in my house, watching tv and spending time with my mom. It gave this overwhelming sense of comfort and safety. As a teenager, I thought that would always be home, a place that I could call home.

As many of you that read my blog and know myself have come to know, I lost my mom over two years ago. That was when my sense of home got ripped from under my feat. I had to move out of my home and live in a different place. Over the course of that year, I gained a sense of home in three different places. That's right, THREE different places. I was in my first year of college, and that was the only thing I knew well besides home. As the saying goes on campus, it was my Houghme. College was a home, but it did not compare to the feeling of having someone…

junior year

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Junior year, a year of tremendous growth for me. First of all, this year has been one of the most challenging academically. As we call it in the education major, this year was junior block. That means we were faced with heavier material and immersed within the classroom for the first time as a teaching figure. Projects upon projects were given within the first month of classes, continuing throughout the semester. While it continuously ran me down, it also pushed me to be better and grow within my future profession. I realized my own limits and what I had to do in order to keep my sanity, even if that meant people looking down at me for being a week ahead. Throughout the course of this year, I gained a greater understanding of who I am and want to be. This also came from friendships.

This year I discovered that friend groups will never be my place. I am not the type of person to just have a group, rather friends in different areas of interest. I used to push myself to fit in with grou…

seeing, hearing, FEELING

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When you look out at the water, what do you see? Do you see the birds that fly up and down on the horizon? The waves rising and falling on the shore? The sun that sets, giving each day a night of peace?
What do you hear? Do you hear the sound of the waves crashing? The chirping of birds as they fly through the open air?
How about feeling? Is it the feeling of the fresh water on your feet? The sand beneath your feet? Or the wind blowing through your hair? It all seems serene, feeling content with where you were placed at that time, right by the water. That day, standing at the edge, where the water met the sand, I saw peace on the water. I saw the waves moving up and down the shore. I saw the sun slowly setting on the horizon. The birds settling on the water for their next meal.
I also heard peace on the water. I heard the waves, the boats moving across them. The slight whisper of cars in the distance, ending their work day.


But, above all that, I did not feel peace on the water. I f…

two years

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Two years. That is how long has passed by since my mom once graced this earth. This year has been ultimately the hardest so far. People would normally assume it gets easier, and while it has, each day has its struggles. I took a step back the past week or so and thought about how my life has changed. I had begun to think my life now was the life I normally had lived. A family that was remotely normal (that may be a stretch), a schedule that keeps me on my toes, and friends who are always ready for an adventure. A life with my mom seemed nearly nonexistent, or at least a distant memory. That was until I put the past two years in perspective.

Over the course of the past two years, I managed to grow further in my relationship with God. I was never one to read my bible or really apply the teaching I learned to my life. I went to church just to say I went to church. I have more parents than I thought I ever would. This includes my sister at times. That is the next thing, my relationship w…

a new year: 2018

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twenty seventeen. You have been quite the year, one of much hurt and much growth. I started the year new, the first complete year on my own without my mom. I was ready to face life head on and grow further in my faith, and man did God stretch me this year. I was faced with many challenges that I thought were far from anything I could handle. Many of these were new experiences, ones I thought I could face. Many meltdowns happened, but each one showed me my strength and the support of others that surrounded me. I also learned, above all, that God gives us way more than we can handle. That classic saying that God does not give you more than you can handle could not be further from the truth. If he didn't give us more, how else would we be stretched and grow in our faith? I also learned that I need to lean on God in my struggles. I tend to take matters into my own hands and go after what I want. That is the problem, what I want, not what God wants. I have become such a strong believe…